| Haven't Posted in over a Year... |
[15 Dec 2008|04:37pm] |
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I'm going to Brooks Institute of Photography in July to study Visual Journalism.
I'm excited for life.
2009 is going to be incredible. I can already tell.
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[17 Jun 2007|02:39pm] |
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 what? |
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I can't handle this anymore.
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[09 Jun 2007|02:04pm] |
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These last days have been really emotionally draining.
I mean, there's the obvious, graduation. I felt so incredibly happy and so mind numbingly sad all at once. I am so proud of my Seniors. I was so blessed by them in so many ways. They are all going on to do amazing things in this world. I shouldn't be selfish. I can't keep them all to myself. The world deserves to meet them too. However, some I will never see agan and some I will see more than necessary. I hurt because I've never done Highschool without my Danielle, my Stephie Drake, my Maril, my Esterling, my Jason. I've never walked the halls knowing I wouldn't see them. I've never had an experience that I couldn't wait to share at break or at lunch or after school with them. I've never had to wait until I could call them or send them a Myspace message. They were always there. The longest I would have to wait is an hour or two. Now it will be much, much longer. I don't like that.
The majority of my friends are now Seniors. They're excited for their last year and their graduation days. Sometimes I think they forget that they're leaving me behind. I won't be in a cap and gown on that day. I'll be in my choir robe and stole. I won't share that moment of surreality where I realize highschool's over. I'll be alone. Nothing terrifies me more than that day.
Aside from all of the graduation things, more crap is going around than necessary. A] It's MY life. No one elses. I never asked for your opinion on how I sign someone's yearbook, what I wear, who my best friend is, or how my relationship should be. BACK OFF. B] I don't need you to tell other people that I'm worng in the way I do all of the things stated above. If it's wrong shame on me. It's not your business or anyone else's to tell me r anyone else for that matter anything about me. I know me. I know every thought, intention, feeling, and action I have. Don't go tell whoever that you think you know me when you don't even have the slightest clue! C] I am myself. Nothing more. I'm not a whore, a bitch, or a whiny naive 4 year old. I am Coco. I am confident in my abilities of being Coco. Do not tell me how to be me. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns on this matter talk to ME. I am, after all, the one who can explain it to you. Questions? No? Good. Now go jump off a balcony.
I'm happy. Everything seems to fall into place when you stop caring so much about who other people think you should be. You find your perfect place in the puzzle when you stop trying so hard to fit in. To find your direction, all you need is the right compass.
In other news, Hello summer. Life is looking grand.
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| Happiness is... |
[02 Jun 2007|10:32am] |
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So... I've sounded like a whiny brat on here lately. I need to mention how thouroghly happy I am with my life.
4 days left of sophomore year. It was an amazing year. 1 absolutely amazing show. 1 good show. 2 shows spent with my best friends in the whole world. Plus a boy who I fell very in love with, good grades, adventures, choir trips, and halfway done with my highschool years. Bittersweet really. But I'm glad to be gearing up for the second half. These are the best years of my life right?
It's been 9 months with previously mentioned boy. That makes me extremely happy. Our first Summer is coming up. I couldn't be more thrilled.
At Balthy's birthday last night I had so much fun. I can't even describe it. It was nice to chill at the park and see all the pictures I wish I could've taken. Everything's so picturesque in the evening. The creek and the random bars and the rocks and the frogs. It was all perfectly surreal. Like I was watching everything through a lens and storing the images away in my head, never to be uploaded to a computer or stored in a scrapbook.
I guess in a way that's me. Even when there's no physical camera, I will always see everything as a picture in every light from every angle. That will always be part of me.
We're doing Good Doctor!!! WOO! I really wanna AD.
La Vita e Bella. I'm gonna go take pictures of it.
I just don't know which kind yet. : ]
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| I'm going insane. |
[24 May 2007|06:05pm] |
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I hate being mad at people and not saying anything.
I don't feel better until I get it out.
I don't feel better when I just "shake it off."
I won't feel better until there's some sort of something done.
GAHHHHH.
Other stupid crap is pissing me off too.
Thoughts...
....Not everything is an effing competition.
....I sincerely hope that you fail.
....BACK THE HELL OFF.
....Why do you hate me? I did nothing to you.
....You're a whore. Get over yourself.
AGH.
</rant>
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[20 May 2007|06:14pm] |
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Some people fail at life in general.
I FIND OUT THINGS.
Some people learn this the easy way, some people learn this the hard way.
DON'T LEARN THE HARD WAY.
Just a rule of thumb.
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| Really wonderful things. |
[19 May 2007|09:12am] |
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 high on life |
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Yesterday was pwn.
-Worked hard on Les Mis stuff and we might actually pull it off. Who knew?
-Aced my World History final.
-Watched 2 episodes of The Office in Romo's class, plus found out I was accepted to Journalism which means I don't have to take Spanish next year. Woot.
-Aced my song test in Spanish.
-Voting for Drama Officers next year. I WON VP!!!! SO EXCITED! Jenelle Bohy is going to be an amazing President. Plus my Angela and my Teresa as Treasurer and Secretary. Also, some very, very fabulous freshman girls. Erin is Historian and Pheobe and Sarah are activities! I'm so excited to work with all of you girls! 07-08 is going to be the own.
-Then actually worked on my monologue in theatre.
-Did absolutely nothing in Geometry.
-Kelly's B-day party! It was so much fun. We danced, we laughed, we ate, we injured each other, we had "boys only" fort and "girls only" fort, we made grass angles, we cuddled under the stars. 'Twas quite majestic.
-Jason is 18 today! He's the bestest friend/big brother/sister a girl could ask for. : ]
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[03 May 2007|06:49pm] |
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I am in a state of artisticness.
The problem is, I don't know how to express said artisticness.
So I guess this could be described as "artistic constipation."
The ideas are all there.... They just haven't come out yet.
Thoughts?
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[27 Apr 2007|06:42pm] |
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Sooo.... Update?
I'm not going to try to describe San Fran. It's been a week and I still can't believe everything that happened. I never thought I could be so close to people who I've only known for a couple of years. I never thought I could be so close to anyone.
I love Angela Dalman.
I love Jason Todd Packer.
I love Teresa Jane Hoffer.
I love Jenelle Nicole Bohy.
These four make my life worth everything.
Oh... And when I came home... My doorbell rang... And standing there in the doorway was this boy. This wonderful, amazing, makes me smile without even thinking about it, gorgeous eyed, best-hug giving ever, boy. Have I ever mentioned that I am completely, crazily, and absolutely without a doubt in love with Thomas Michael Conyers?
Because I totally am.
And he likes me too even.
I win at life.
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| Because it's what us LJ kids do.... |
[16 Apr 2007|07:21pm] |
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Her heart was broken, but she still brought happiness to others, even if she couldn't be happy herself. That's why people loved her.
We're the kind of friends that kill each other
for a handful of Doritos, chocolate chip cookies,
or grapes, & in the end we don't say sorry,
we say, "Haha, too bad bitch!"
When you've laughed
as much as you breathed
You've realized
how much life is beautiful
Somehow I knew we would be friends. We`d have our fights, our ups & downs..but when the big things came along, we could work anything out. We`d fight over guys..then laugh it off, cause we learned it wasn`t worth it. We knew that our friendship would make it through anything. It feels like we`ve been friends forever, even though its only been a short time. But no matter what, you`ve always been there when I needed you the most, & I love you to death for it.
We must remember that there`s only one
chance in a hundred that this will have a happy ending.
But we`re going to concentrate on that one chance
I love when in the middle of our kiss, I can feel you smiling.
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[04 Apr 2007|01:28pm] |
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1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. Put this in your journal
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| Ehhh. |
[01 Apr 2007|04:34pm] |
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I think I'm depressed.
Crap. I don't want to do this again.
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| Wow. Be prepared for a long overdue really long entry.... |
[25 Mar 2007|01:27pm] |
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 pondering life |
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So I know I haven't really updated about life in a while. I've just been thinking wayyyy too much lately and really need to just pour out a whole bunch of stuff.
So.... Where to begin.... That's always the hard part right? Starting. There's so much to say and so many words that could just come flowing out but you just don't know how to just start....
I guess I'll start with Sunday. Sunday. I've gone to church every Sunday for years with the exception of a couple sick days and of course, cast parties. Church has changed though. It was about God. It was about being spiritually fed. Now I find every excuse not to go. I dread going because I have to face them. The people who used to be my friends. I try so hard to fit in and I spend so much time trying to be who they want me to be that I can hardly focus on what I'm actually there for. It's the looks. It's the hostility. Mostly, it's the memories. We used to all be so close. We used to have so much fun together at AWANA and Summer Camp and Carlsbad. Now it seems like whatever we do we're judging each other. If our hair isn't perfectly styled and our clothes are missing the beloved Hollister logo... If one of us speaks up they have to think carefully about every word they say as to not be snickered at in the hallway or talked about in a group in the corner or even written about in notes passed during service. I know what you're thinking. "You shouldn't care what people think about you, if they don't accept you for who you are that's their problem and they aren't your real friends." That's exactly the problem. We used to live in a world of acceptance and no matter what we did, even if it was running down the beach yelling Star Wars lines and fighting with Kelp-Sabers, we had no fear that our friends would stop loving us. Why do we have that fear right now? What changed? Just because we grew up? We traded friends for boyfriends and girlfriends. We traded bike rides for new cars and Ice Cream Cones for Iced Mochas. Can't we just remember, if only for a minute, what church was like before the drama? Before the dates and the road trips and the responsibilities? We used to be a family. We tore ourselves apart. It kills me to watch this die. I hurts even more that I don't know if we can fix it. We may not have time.
Now what.... Monday? Yeah I guess. Monday two of my closest friends broke up. It was probably one of the weirdest days of my life. I know that must seem selfish considering what they're both going through... But hey. I'm being 100% here. Anyway.... It was just so odd to watch something that was once so beautiful, die. I hurt for the both of them. They're both trying to be so strong for each other and it's killing them. Yet... Something inside of me is almost relieved. They both have the chance to be happy again. Even through the sadness... They'll be better people in the long run. Because of each other. They learned so much and even if they didn't last, they shared something exquisite.
He called me crying that day. It was the saddest I've ever heard him. He loved her so much. She loved him too. That's why she did it. She couldn't make him his happiest anymore. They couldn't bring out the best in each other anymore. I hurt with him. Everyone hurts. I just want to remind him that he will heal, and things will get better.
My "best friend" kept asking if I was mad at her this week. I'm not. I'm not mad because I know I can't change things anymore. I can't change our separate schools and distant cities. I can't change that I've been replaced by her boyfriend and that she doesn't need me much anymore. I can't change anything anymore. We're still friends. I'm not mad. I'm just.... Disappointed that a year can change everything. I'm disappointed that he means more to you now. I'm disappointed that life caught up with us. But know that you've bettered me as a person. You've taught me how to be a good friend and I can never repay you for all the times you've been there for me. I love you forever.
So I had a whole plan for what I was going to say at speeches last night at cast party... And I said most of it. But I couldn't find the words to describe a certian boy...
Jason Todd Packer. You have consistantly been there for me whenever I needed you. You have been the epitome of what a friend should be. I can't believe that June is almost here. I don't know what I'm going to do at school... But you'll always be there. At least, with me. You have always been the strong reassurance I needed and now it's my turn to reassure you that you are going to change the world. You changed mine. I have absolutely no doubt that you will captivate whatever audience you come across for the rest of your life. Someday we'll tell the universe of our adventures. They'll write books about us. We'll write books about each other. We'll be amazing someday. Well, more amazing. : ]
Last... The best thing to ever happen to me. Thomas Michael Conyers III. I've been his girlfriend for 7 months exactly, today. I still think, however that he has absolutely no idea how much he means to me. I can't even find the words to describe how he makes me feel. I never knew how wonderful life could be until he came into my life. I never knew this is what love feels like. Complete, utter, and incandescent happiness. Even with the random dysfunction and the physical injury, accidental of course. It's what mase us unique. What we have is rare, and I hope that everyone in the world gets to experiance this feeling. It's incomprable. He amazes me to know end. 8.25.06-Forever.
Sorry. It was a long one. But I feel better now.
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| Originally posted on Myspace but since I mentioned one or two LJ kids... |
[17 Mar 2007|02:10pm] |
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mood |
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bored out of skull |
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This is for certian people.
...No matter what you say, I'll always know that you don't care about me half as much as you care about him. This was probably the saddest realization I've ever made.
...Sometimes I'm sure you have absolutely know idea how much you mean to me.
...I've been your fortress this year. Even when I couldn't stand what you had done. I will always be there. I hope you know that. For Good.
...You seem so much sadder than you were last year. It makes me sad. You don't give yourself enough credit for your talents. You're amazing.
...You drive me absolutely crazy. I hate you most of the time and you don't even realize it. You're obnoxious, petty, and concieted. You're not as good as everyone thinks you are. I think that's what pisses me off most.
...I think it's funny that you broke up. Sorry.
...I watch you from a distance even when we're having a conversation. I still think you hate me. I really do want to be your friend.
...You're the only person who's been drama free all year. Thank you for that.
...We're going to travel the world together. We'll starve and sleep wherever we can find. It will be amazing.
...I wish I were half as talented as you are.
...You make stupid decisions regarding boys. But I'll love you forever and a day.
...We're going to have a million stories to tell the world. I'm pretty sure no one's made a bigger impact on my life than you have.
...I miss you. You haven't made an effort towards friendship since he's been in your life. Should I take a hint?
...You are lovely. You have the voice of an angel. You're attractive. Come with me. : ]
More to come.
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| It's funny how... |
[12 Mar 2007|07:50pm] |
Some of the best hings in life don't even happen to you. They happen to your best friends...
I'm so happy for you both. So happy. You have no idea. Ok, so you probably do have SOME idea. But not much. : ]
I'm so so so excited. We all have to do something together soon. You and him and Thomas and me. ; ] This is going to be amazing.
"Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time
Say there's no future
For us as a pair
And though I may know I don't care
As long as you're mine..."
I love you guys.
March 12, 2007 - ?
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[05 Mar 2007|07:53pm] |
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Last chance.
I'm done.
You know what's good for you and chose to disregard it.
You chose to hurt everyone in your life.
You chose to loose me.
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| My very first Valentine. |
[14 Feb 2007|06:47pm] |
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It was amazing.
Breakfast/Presents this morning.
Then Thomas made us lunch. Grilled cheese sandwiches, ketchup, and Root Beer.
Then just hanging out together all day. I love that boy a lot.
So Happy Valentine's Day all.
<3
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| Sometimes when you dream.... |
[29 Jan 2007|08:11pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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I got a voice coach.
I'm in Theatre.
I'm in Choir.
I'm going to San Fransisco for a music competition.
I'm on my way. I'm going to make this work for me. I will live my dream. I feel like this could actually happen for me.
I feel like I'm getting my chance to fly.
"And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring
Me down."
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